The Premier League post Brexit - how will your club fare?

With Brexit finally ‘done’ (albeit with lots of tediously complex trade and other negotiations to take place over the coming months), the future for the UK is uncertain. At the ‘Billy the British Bulldog’ end of the political spectrum, a heavenly ‘Singapore on the Thames’ with unparalleled wealth and global influence awaits the UK. But at the Europhilic ‘Ramona the Remoaner’ end of the political spectrum, there is only the prospect of financial and societal collapse, with (even worse) unbearable nationwide embarrassment as the sophisticated EU neighbours look on with haughty indifference. The truth will probably emerge to be somewhere in between, with the views of e.g. ‘Paddy the Pragmatist’ probably being the most accurate predictions (‘It’ll be grand, kind of…’).

But amid all the rhetoric on both sides, the implications of Brexit for the Premier League remain unclear. Will the current EU citizens on Premier League teams be marched to Dover and asked to return to their EU homelands? Will the Premier League be forced to ditch the Dutch and chuck the Czechs? And if so, how many of your club’s players will have to leave? What would be the implications of a no-deal ‘Prem-exit’ for your club?

To answer this question, I have done a sophisticated piece of scientific analysis. Using the freely accessible knowledge-based Wikipedia (a website that has effectively made the need for 3^rd level education redundant, according to Alan Partridge), I have analysed the immediately post-Brexit squads for all current Premier League clubs and assigned each club a ‘EUro-score %’, based on the percentage of EU players in each squad. The higher the percentage of EU players in your squad, the higher is your ‘EUro-score %’. And in the uncertain times ahead, the clubs with higher EUro-score %s (packed as they are with potentially soon-to-leave humourless Germans and flouncy Frenchmen) are likely to be at a disadvantage. So the higher the ‘EUro-score %’, the lower they go on the ‘Prem-exit’ table.

And the results of this fascinating geopolitical-scientific-sports research are in. Now you can pore over the results to your heart’s content. As you can see, the Euro-phobic Burnley shoots to the top of the table (a mere 24% of EU citizens in their squad), with champions-elect Liverpool coming in second. West Ham pole vaults from its current actual lowly table position into the Champions League slots on the Prem-exit table (although Ramona the Remoaner worries that the very future of that competition may also be in doubt). And at the other end of the table, the Euro-loving Chelsea and Wolves take the bottom spots (the only clubs with more than half of their squads being from the EU).

Meanwhile, Norwich remain in a deathly relegation battle, in the real Premier League table and on the Prem-exit table. Some people just never get a break.

The Prem-exit table...

Position	Club	EUro-score %
1	Burnley	24
2	Liverpool	25
3	West Ham	27
4	Bournemouth	27
5	Leicester	28
6	Everton	28
7	Newcastle	29
8	Aston Villa	29
9	Sheffield Utd	31
10	Man. Utd.	31
11	Brighton	33
12	Crystal Palace	35
13	Spurs	35
14	Watford	36
15	Southampton	36
16	Arsenal	37
17	Man. City	43
18	Norwich	46
19	Chelsea	56
20	Wolves	61